24. But Then Again, Sometimes I'm Right (Negative)

I wish I was ready for this. I wish I could see, at the very least, the best few ways of doing something, if not the best one. But I can't. And that's because I am not yet a programmer. Oh, sure, I get the jokes, I live the lifestyle (such as it is) and I definitely am in love with the medium. And for what I've done, what I've learned, on-curriculum or otherwise, I'd go so far as to say that in my class, I'm among or a little under the best. But I just am not good enough for this.

I am developing a game. I am developing this game largely on my own. The decisions of implementation, they're all mine. Or as near as makes no difference. That is scary, scary stuff, because I don't know which ways are going to cause memory leaks, or in many cases whether some implementation is even possible (these cases inevitably require considerable work/time to test). What's as scary is the list of things to be implemented. I have the basic engine working adequately, but they have all these grand plans for it and I can't think about it like that or I'll go mad. I have to keep plodding along only looking just ahead.

The thing is, this isn't even my baby. If it was my idea, and I made it poorly, well, that'd be fine. But it's not. Don't get me wrong, the idea is great, and the art assets are fantastic, but I am just so afraid that I'll destroy this idea that the Open Emotion guys have had in their heads by making a bad game out of good IP. Not that that would be a new thing in the games industry, but I know these guys personally, and I want to do good things with their idea. I know it can work. I just don't know if I'm the guy to make it work. That really, really sucks. I want to be that guy, badly. So I'm going to try. But we'll just have to see.

22. One Small Step...Off A Cliff? (Negative)

My job starts tomorrow. As of 10:30am GMT, I shall be gaining valuable industry experience, and hopefully making new friends (or at least one, since I know almost all the people vaguely already).
I'm insecure about it, if I'm honest. And I have a regrettable tendency towards honesty.

I'm worried about one of several bad scenarios happening:
- I am bad at my job. Or, I am acceptable but my efforts are negated by someone with better solutions. In programming this is a real concern.

- The job is boring. This would be pretty crushing for my career prospects - you simply cannot be as good at/as committed to a job you don't find stimulating. I'm not *greatly* worried about this because I've always found programming fun before (yes, fun), but I'm afraid a big project will make it less so.

-The people pose a problem in some unforeseen way. Some people just don't work well with others, or with me. I know it's the reality of having a job but I hope it's not a dealbreaker with this one.

OK, that's all my stressing for tonight. Sleep time.

Whenever.

20. OK, Logic Can Be Annoying Too... (Negative)

This assignment is hard. Not to say that I won't be able to do it, but it's irritating me immensely that there is definitely a simple solution evading me. Serious work should get me through it though.

Exams coming up. Worried as usual.
There's more to worry about this year. I'm feeling the pressure I predicted when I got that 4.0 last semester. Whatever I do, likelihood is that I'll be below that, and there's no possibility I can improve on it. That's depressing. Everyone tells us things get more difficult every semester. But that doesn't quite convince me that doing worse is OK. Sure, I'll live with it. It'll just annoy me.
'specially because one of my friends may have been refused co-op on the basis of his grade falling over a year. And he's a clever guy. He probably dropped from 3.8 to 3.4 or something.

Urgh.

18. I Don't Even Know Anymore (Negative)

It's been one of those weird days. Things seemed to be going well at first but started to wallow towards evening and ended in a conversation that really should not have happened with an old friend. I have this problem. I find it monstrously difficult to keep my mouth shut about something.
Secrets are OK, but if there's some nagging issue with a person, I keep wanting to mention it when I'm talking to them. And that happened tonight.
I'm not pleased. Not at all. In fact I am deeply angry at myself for being such a fool. It'd be fine, just a simple peccadillo, if I hadn't done it so many damn times before. An apology is not enough. I must feel bad about this for some time in penance. Perhaps I will write about it.
Perhaps not.
But I need to sort it out.
In my head and in the real world. The former is far more important.

That's all.

16. Amnesia, Addiction, Etc. (Negative)

My mind continues to be exclusively prepared to remember things it wants to do, as opposed to things it knows it should.

As a result, I have yet again failed in my attempt to make a functional blog. But I carry on nonetheless...mainly because I told my mum I would (hi Mum) and you don't go back on that kind of casual remark.

Lately my cynicism levels have been remarkably high. I've been thinking about the human condition, or whatever you might call it, and I've realised that everyone has at least one vice. They might not all be obvious, but no-one is without their I-know-I-shouldn't-but habit. Mine is laziness. I don't do things when I should, and it's only under extreme duress that I study or practise something if I don't feel inclined to do so. I can resolve to improve all I like, but that's all that's possible - improvement. Perfection is a lie. It seems obvious and I had always accepted it before, but until you see it for yourself you don't believe it.

14. Anticipation (Negative)

Interview is tomorrow. Slightly worried that I'll suddenly forget everything I know about HTML and CSS, but more sick of waiting than anything else.

I just want it to be over.

We got most of the pages to validate in the end, which was a pleasant surprise. Credit for that must go to Kelly, who spent ages slaving over the code without our knowledge, and then suddenly declared she had validated them.

Now we wait...

12. If it isn't broken... (Negative)

This morning we had our final lecture in Computer Applications (for our new readers: that's the website-building module) and just for giggles the lecturer opened the group wiki to check how things were progressing.

It didn't go well.

Our group is still at the top of the list, and we're pretty happy with the site so far, but when he opened the page (in Internet Exploiter) there was nothing.

Completely blank page.

Embarrassing. Especially for me, 'cos there were only two people from my group there, and I've become the de facto project leader, *and* I was the last person I know of to be working on the damn thing.

Needless to say, I raced home (luckily it was a short lecture) and spent half an hour fixing the problem. The solution? Revert to a backup version of the page.

Sigh.

Project meeting tomorrow.

10. Web work update and procrastination (Negative)

I've been getting terribly slack with this blog lately, but at least I can tell myself 'I told you so'.

Anyway, web work. It's been going very well, it's just that I haven't been posting it. So my updates are:
- I've done my Continuum page. It needs a bit of work but it is up and I'm pleased with it.
- I spent a considerable amount of time fiddling with the page last week. I changed the original gradient background of the page to a more boring but cleaner and easier-to-read-on plain black.
- Today I'm working on forms for a planned feedback page. Dunno if the feedback will actually be getting back to us, but there will be a feedback form regardless.

Procrastination: I'm using it to forget about my Java project. This is not a good thing. I need to take a serious look at it. This is a reminder to myself.

8. O2 (Negative)

Damn O2 and their annoying damn ways.

My dad's a staunch O2 customer. So we have one of those HSDPA modems ('cos we can't get any other internet) and I said maybe I should get one for around college instead of using unsecured wireless networks. He agreed, so today we went to the O2 Store to get one.

So I get in there, and the sales assistant says I need my student ID and my CAO letter.
I produce both.
She says, hang on, your address isn't on this letter.
I say, so?
She says, it needs to be addressed to you at home.
I say, fine.
So I root around for a few minutes and found an addressed bank letter.
Wait in line, because now someone is ahead of me, for twenty minutes.
Get to the counter again. Give her the stuff, all pleased 'cos I've found the letter.
Oh, wait, she says.
I ask what the problem is.
Our photocopier is broken, so you'll have to come back another day, she says.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

Anyway, it's annoying but I'm heading back to college, which means Limerick, so I still have a chance.

Get to the O2 Store there.
All goes well this time (photocopier working, yay!).
This sales assistant directs me to a seat and commences asking me questions which she fills into a lengthy form on her PC.
The usual stuff.
Name, address, birthday, etc.
So I'm pretty pleased that it's all worked out, and then she clicks 'Submit' on the form.
I see the error but can't read it.
Oh, she says.
She looks at the form.
Asks me my birthday again.
I tell her, again.
She says, oh.
Oh my God, she says. You're not eighteen yet?
I'm so sick of this. Every damn time.
No, I'm not, I say.
Well, you can't have the modem if you're not eighteen, she says.
I ask why not.
The answer has something to do with contracts. Seems you can borrow money with a guarantor at any age (that's also a contract), but buy a crappy USB modem? No, sir. Have to have eighteen years of wasted time behind you.
Sigh.
So then Dad says, can we put it on his account?
She says, sure. We'll need ID from you.
Of course he has no ID.
So that was that.
Have to wait all that extra time now, because they weren't clear enough about the terms of the contract.

Sigh.

Update: Turns out I couldn't get it even if he paid for it because I still wasn't 18. I finally got it because they had a meeting and realised it was a retarded way to do things. So I guess that's pretty good. But I still don't like them.

6. Money (Negative)

I had always heard the stereotype of the poor student and smiled inwardly. It couldn't be as bad as all that, I thought. It's just a joke, like what they say about mothers-in-law (I guess I'll find out whether that's true at some point...).

But no. It is true. I'm always slightly low on cash. To be fair, sometimes I have no real cash at all. And it's really annoying.

Oh, well. If it wasn't like this, everyone would be at university, I guess.

4. Lisbon (Negative)

So, Ireland finally went ahead and ratified that damn treaty. I'm annoyed about it.

Not necessarily because of the Yes vote, although my personal instincts were No.

It was the ad campaigns, on both sides, that got me grinding my teeth at the mere mention of it in the end. Let's have a look at them, shall we?

-Yes Campaign (clearly the winner in distribution and airplay, government-endorsed):
'Do you want the country to recover from this recession? You do? Well then, you must vote YES! Do it now! Even if it's a month in advance, do it now and practise just in case you accidentally go with your instincts and vote No!' And so on ad nauseam, everywhere.

-No Campaign (underfunded, regrettably portrayed, noticeably fewer ads and signs):
'Do you want a post-Lisbon minimum wage of €1.84? You don't? Well then, you must vote NO! Don't you dare believe the Man, he's not hip or with it like you and us. So keep your beret firmly on your head, look this adorable child in the face and resolve to vote No.' You'd think that with so much less money and paper to play with that they'd try for some intellectual high ground, but of course, by and large they didn't.

And now the government are going to think they can sell us anything they like and we'll go for it. There's going to be trouble over this.

There'll be tears before General Election-time, and no mistake.

2. Beginnings, part II (Negative)

I just realised that instead of doing a blog (which I technically have to do as part of an assignment for mid-November), I should have been studying for a test in the same module (which I technically have to do in four days). I'm not that smart sometimes. I spent a ridiculous amount of time fiddling with this blog, and for what? Tch.

I need a hobby.