24. But Then Again, Sometimes I'm Right (Negative)

I wish I was ready for this. I wish I could see, at the very least, the best few ways of doing something, if not the best one. But I can't. And that's because I am not yet a programmer. Oh, sure, I get the jokes, I live the lifestyle (such as it is) and I definitely am in love with the medium. And for what I've done, what I've learned, on-curriculum or otherwise, I'd go so far as to say that in my class, I'm among or a little under the best. But I just am not good enough for this.

I am developing a game. I am developing this game largely on my own. The decisions of implementation, they're all mine. Or as near as makes no difference. That is scary, scary stuff, because I don't know which ways are going to cause memory leaks, or in many cases whether some implementation is even possible (these cases inevitably require considerable work/time to test). What's as scary is the list of things to be implemented. I have the basic engine working adequately, but they have all these grand plans for it and I can't think about it like that or I'll go mad. I have to keep plodding along only looking just ahead.

The thing is, this isn't even my baby. If it was my idea, and I made it poorly, well, that'd be fine. But it's not. Don't get me wrong, the idea is great, and the art assets are fantastic, but I am just so afraid that I'll destroy this idea that the Open Emotion guys have had in their heads by making a bad game out of good IP. Not that that would be a new thing in the games industry, but I know these guys personally, and I want to do good things with their idea. I know it can work. I just don't know if I'm the guy to make it work. That really, really sucks. I want to be that guy, badly. So I'm going to try. But we'll just have to see.

23. I Worry Too Much (Positive)

I've been working at Open Emotion Studios for what seems like my entire life but has actually only been three weeks. I mean that in the best possible way, of course. I feel ridiculously at home there, so much so that I keep assuming I'll be dragged away at any moment. Indeed, the first few days I was convinced that either my life had become the Truman Show (I had always suspected) or that I was in fact at a summer camp for which I would receive a rather natty certificate at the end of the week. But no. In fact I was doing an actual job (my first ever proper job), a job for which under better circumstances I would have been paid. I still have to say it to myself occasionally: James, you are making games. I am pretty much literally living the dream at this point. It's not a terribly ambitious dream, but I don't care. It's like dreaming of owning a Porsche for years, and then finding out you can pick up a classic for the price of a tiny hatchback (true story). Indubitably the dream is being lived, but not in precisely the way you imagined, and at considerably less expense. It doesn't make it any less awesome.

That's all for this post, but I have a sister Negative one coming up tonight. For all you cynics out there. And the one in here.

22. One Small Step...Off A Cliff? (Negative)

My job starts tomorrow. As of 10:30am GMT, I shall be gaining valuable industry experience, and hopefully making new friends (or at least one, since I know almost all the people vaguely already).
I'm insecure about it, if I'm honest. And I have a regrettable tendency towards honesty.

I'm worried about one of several bad scenarios happening:
- I am bad at my job. Or, I am acceptable but my efforts are negated by someone with better solutions. In programming this is a real concern.

- The job is boring. This would be pretty crushing for my career prospects - you simply cannot be as good at/as committed to a job you don't find stimulating. I'm not *greatly* worried about this because I've always found programming fun before (yes, fun), but I'm afraid a big project will make it less so.

-The people pose a problem in some unforeseen way. Some people just don't work well with others, or with me. I know it's the reality of having a job but I hope it's not a dealbreaker with this one.

OK, that's all my stressing for tonight. Sleep time.

Whenever.