26. Superlative Things (Negative)

Superlative normally has a good association. However today I shall be discussing it negatively. I shall try not to whine. 'Too' is not the first word that springs to mind when thinking of superlatives, and yet it is one of the most common. This has just occurred to me, and so I am moved to write about it.

Shortly the state of Ireland will decide that I am no longer too young to vote, drink, view 18s-rated material, or enter legal contracts. It is an odd feeling to have this privilege, something so many people (particularly those around me) take for granted approaching at such speed. And yet it is just an age. Just a number. A counter clicking up by another little increment (as a programmer, I know that can be very meaningful, but still). Therein lies the ultimate failing of the system. Should I be made to do everything (at least) a year later than all my friends even though we are at roughly the same state of maturity and intelligence, just because I started school at the age of 4 instead of the more-regular 5? I don't think so. I have experienced pretty much everything they have experienced. All they have on me is an extra year of toddlerhood, really.

Yes, all the arguments against me are there, but I think that there should be a better system for deciding when a person is ready to do something. I know more than a few 18-year-olds who aren't really mature enough to drink, for a start...but I digress. Perhaps a test of some sort? An authority who would decide? I don't know. But the classic 'get to this age and do what you want' thing is not to my mind an ideal model.

When I get to that age, I shall see, in any case. If I get there. Time moves alternately very quickly and verrrry slooooowly these days.

25. In Unrelated But Good News (Positive)

...my exams went well, as it turned out. As predicted I dropped from my ridiculous high of 4.0, but I don't mind. That's considerable pressure off, really. Anyway. I did well in all but one subject, and to be honest I'm happy with what I personally learned in that subject. I don't have to do it any more, and I shall go back to the textbook if I ever do need that information in the future. Further, I did pass it, with about 10% to spare, so it wasn't that bad really. As for my QCA? It's down to a more-than-pleasing 3.7. In the end I discovered all I really cared about was getting an A1 in Imperative Programming II to match my IP I grade. After that, the rest was a bonus. Programming is the heart of this course, and I want to be good at it.

I shall be trying to blog more from now on, as observant readers may have gathered from three posts in as many hours. We'll see how that goes.

24. But Then Again, Sometimes I'm Right (Negative)

I wish I was ready for this. I wish I could see, at the very least, the best few ways of doing something, if not the best one. But I can't. And that's because I am not yet a programmer. Oh, sure, I get the jokes, I live the lifestyle (such as it is) and I definitely am in love with the medium. And for what I've done, what I've learned, on-curriculum or otherwise, I'd go so far as to say that in my class, I'm among or a little under the best. But I just am not good enough for this.

I am developing a game. I am developing this game largely on my own. The decisions of implementation, they're all mine. Or as near as makes no difference. That is scary, scary stuff, because I don't know which ways are going to cause memory leaks, or in many cases whether some implementation is even possible (these cases inevitably require considerable work/time to test). What's as scary is the list of things to be implemented. I have the basic engine working adequately, but they have all these grand plans for it and I can't think about it like that or I'll go mad. I have to keep plodding along only looking just ahead.

The thing is, this isn't even my baby. If it was my idea, and I made it poorly, well, that'd be fine. But it's not. Don't get me wrong, the idea is great, and the art assets are fantastic, but I am just so afraid that I'll destroy this idea that the Open Emotion guys have had in their heads by making a bad game out of good IP. Not that that would be a new thing in the games industry, but I know these guys personally, and I want to do good things with their idea. I know it can work. I just don't know if I'm the guy to make it work. That really, really sucks. I want to be that guy, badly. So I'm going to try. But we'll just have to see.

23. I Worry Too Much (Positive)

I've been working at Open Emotion Studios for what seems like my entire life but has actually only been three weeks. I mean that in the best possible way, of course. I feel ridiculously at home there, so much so that I keep assuming I'll be dragged away at any moment. Indeed, the first few days I was convinced that either my life had become the Truman Show (I had always suspected) or that I was in fact at a summer camp for which I would receive a rather natty certificate at the end of the week. But no. In fact I was doing an actual job (my first ever proper job), a job for which under better circumstances I would have been paid. I still have to say it to myself occasionally: James, you are making games. I am pretty much literally living the dream at this point. It's not a terribly ambitious dream, but I don't care. It's like dreaming of owning a Porsche for years, and then finding out you can pick up a classic for the price of a tiny hatchback (true story). Indubitably the dream is being lived, but not in precisely the way you imagined, and at considerably less expense. It doesn't make it any less awesome.

That's all for this post, but I have a sister Negative one coming up tonight. For all you cynics out there. And the one in here.

22. One Small Step...Off A Cliff? (Negative)

My job starts tomorrow. As of 10:30am GMT, I shall be gaining valuable industry experience, and hopefully making new friends (or at least one, since I know almost all the people vaguely already).
I'm insecure about it, if I'm honest. And I have a regrettable tendency towards honesty.

I'm worried about one of several bad scenarios happening:
- I am bad at my job. Or, I am acceptable but my efforts are negated by someone with better solutions. In programming this is a real concern.

- The job is boring. This would be pretty crushing for my career prospects - you simply cannot be as good at/as committed to a job you don't find stimulating. I'm not *greatly* worried about this because I've always found programming fun before (yes, fun), but I'm afraid a big project will make it less so.

-The people pose a problem in some unforeseen way. Some people just don't work well with others, or with me. I know it's the reality of having a job but I hope it's not a dealbreaker with this one.

OK, that's all my stressing for tonight. Sleep time.

Whenever.

21. The Buffer Period (Positive)

Argh. A month without a post. Again. Blah.

A lot has happened in the last month. Let's have a quick rundown, shall we?

1) I finished my programming project at last, and it worked flawlessly.

2) I got 12/15 marks for that essay. This was the second-highest mark in the class and extremely unexpected.

3) I received word that I will be interning at Open Emotion Studios this summer! Which is absolutely brilliant and possibly the best news I've had all year.

4) I sat my exams. For the most part they didn't go badly, but I definitely do not see another 4.0 QCA in my future. However, I'm happy that they're over now.

5) I have so far spent almost a week at home, potentially my only length of time at home for a while, so I plan to make the most of my time before I leave on the 31st, or possibly VERY early on the 1st.
6) I have a proper website at last! http://skynet.ie/~program9

At the moment I'm trying to squeeze an entire summer's worth of late nights and long lie-ins into less than two weeks. So that's going well. :D

20. OK, Logic Can Be Annoying Too... (Negative)

This assignment is hard. Not to say that I won't be able to do it, but it's irritating me immensely that there is definitely a simple solution evading me. Serious work should get me through it though.

Exams coming up. Worried as usual.
There's more to worry about this year. I'm feeling the pressure I predicted when I got that 4.0 last semester. Whatever I do, likelihood is that I'll be below that, and there's no possibility I can improve on it. That's depressing. Everyone tells us things get more difficult every semester. But that doesn't quite convince me that doing worse is OK. Sure, I'll live with it. It'll just annoy me.
'specially because one of my friends may have been refused co-op on the basis of his grade falling over a year. And he's a clever guy. He probably dropped from 3.8 to 3.4 or something.

Urgh.

19. Logic Never Felt So Good (Positive)

I finished that essay (see 18) and got it submitted on time. I'm pretty happy with it, but it made me realise how much I really don't miss Leaving Certificate English. I mean, fair enough, I was good at it. I suppose I must have been to get an A1. But writing essays just...doesn't appeal to me. I like to write, but I dislike having a topic to dance around for 2000 words. It smacks of overcomplication. I prefer to write what I'm thinking, all of it, and stop. Sometimes there's a lot, too much, and some is irrelevant. Other times I simply cannot get what I consider the good material to reach the word count. It's extremely frustrating having to pad an essay when you're as much of a perfectionist as I am.

With that in mind, I am now enjoying my programming assignment in a BIG way. The mental challenge, the well-defined goals, the medium which allows no half-measures or padding...I love it.

Assassin happened over the week before last and last week up to Wednesday. It was stressful but now it's over and I'm pleased about that at least.

To top it off, I had an interview for a summer internship on Friday. Which is awesome. I don't hold any hopes for it but I really am pleased to have been considered. I'll know whether it was experience or life-changing quite soon, apparently.

It's going to be a good week - the final one of lectures. Woo.

18. I Don't Even Know Anymore (Negative)

It's been one of those weird days. Things seemed to be going well at first but started to wallow towards evening and ended in a conversation that really should not have happened with an old friend. I have this problem. I find it monstrously difficult to keep my mouth shut about something.
Secrets are OK, but if there's some nagging issue with a person, I keep wanting to mention it when I'm talking to them. And that happened tonight.
I'm not pleased. Not at all. In fact I am deeply angry at myself for being such a fool. It'd be fine, just a simple peccadillo, if I hadn't done it so many damn times before. An apology is not enough. I must feel bad about this for some time in penance. Perhaps I will write about it.
Perhaps not.
But I need to sort it out.
In my head and in the real world. The former is far more important.

That's all.

17. Today Is A Good Day (Positive)

Once again I leave my blog to fester in this little-known corner of the Internet. I weep for it.



However, with no fanbase to speak of, I can be as slow and procrastinating as I like. Heh. That's probably bad for me.

Anyway. University continues to move at a frightening pace. This irritates me, but it's nothing new. New things are:

-I'm doing more shirts. I have received my second commission and am working on two stencils for a friend. Something of a rush job, but I'm used to it and hoping to do it well. I have a week anyway. Or, actually, four days. But yay for doing things!

-I have my very first essay for university due two weeks from today. It must be within 10% either side of 1200 words, which is all the exactness I'd expect from the Computer Science faculty, in fairness to them. The problem is that I picked this course specifically to not do essays, and it has worked out fine 'til now, but I'm starting to see Arts students in a whole new light... Meh. It'll be grand. I can do essays; hell, I got an A1 in Leaving Cert English. I'm just lazy and unacquainted with the Harvard Referencing System we use here in UL. This is changing however. (Not the laziness, the other one.)

-I have an idea for a webcomic. Regrettably, I only ever get such ideas individually. As in, I get a brilliant plan for a single strip but know it'll go nowhere after that first punchline. Sigh. Ah well, perhaps I'll do it anyway.

-I have remembered again how easy blogging actually is.

-I have started conforming to one of Morse's pet peeves and deleting 'actually' from sentences that don't need it. Again. I keep leaving this and coming back to it.

-I feel the need to read Morse again.

-My dinner is ready.

16. Amnesia, Addiction, Etc. (Negative)

My mind continues to be exclusively prepared to remember things it wants to do, as opposed to things it knows it should.

As a result, I have yet again failed in my attempt to make a functional blog. But I carry on nonetheless...mainly because I told my mum I would (hi Mum) and you don't go back on that kind of casual remark.

Lately my cynicism levels have been remarkably high. I've been thinking about the human condition, or whatever you might call it, and I've realised that everyone has at least one vice. They might not all be obvious, but no-one is without their I-know-I-shouldn't-but habit. Mine is laziness. I don't do things when I should, and it's only under extreme duress that I study or practise something if I don't feel inclined to do so. I can resolve to improve all I like, but that's all that's possible - improvement. Perfection is a lie. It seems obvious and I had always accepted it before, but until you see it for yourself you don't believe it.

15. Returning (Positive)

It's been a long time since the last post, hasn't it.

Yeah, well, I was busy. And complaining won't get you anywhere because I'll remind you that had I posted in the interim, you would only have been reading more of my whining. So shut up.

Aaaaanyway. Few things to clear up.

1. We got an A1 for our website and our TA suggested we go into web design professionally! Which is epic.

2. We had tests, which went OK. Now I am officially finished one eigth of the modules in my course! I love this system.

3. I'm currently in the final two weeks of a REALLY LONG Christmas break. Man. It has been too long. Pretty soon I'll be doing a Ph.D thesis in my spare time or something. So I'm looking forward to university on the 25th.

4. I got a graphics tablet for Christmas and have been killing my self-esteem with it ever since. I enjoy drawing though. So it's worth the cringing.

5. I'm planning to start posting on the blog regularly-ish from now. In fairness I'm really only writing this bit because I'll read it at some later date, not to appease non-existent fans of this blog. So, future James, get blogging! In the future!

6. I've discovered I can blog in Courier. YAY!