26. Superlative Things (Negative)

Superlative normally has a good association. However today I shall be discussing it negatively. I shall try not to whine. 'Too' is not the first word that springs to mind when thinking of superlatives, and yet it is one of the most common. This has just occurred to me, and so I am moved to write about it.

Shortly the state of Ireland will decide that I am no longer too young to vote, drink, view 18s-rated material, or enter legal contracts. It is an odd feeling to have this privilege, something so many people (particularly those around me) take for granted approaching at such speed. And yet it is just an age. Just a number. A counter clicking up by another little increment (as a programmer, I know that can be very meaningful, but still). Therein lies the ultimate failing of the system. Should I be made to do everything (at least) a year later than all my friends even though we are at roughly the same state of maturity and intelligence, just because I started school at the age of 4 instead of the more-regular 5? I don't think so. I have experienced pretty much everything they have experienced. All they have on me is an extra year of toddlerhood, really.

Yes, all the arguments against me are there, but I think that there should be a better system for deciding when a person is ready to do something. I know more than a few 18-year-olds who aren't really mature enough to drink, for a start...but I digress. Perhaps a test of some sort? An authority who would decide? I don't know. But the classic 'get to this age and do what you want' thing is not to my mind an ideal model.

When I get to that age, I shall see, in any case. If I get there. Time moves alternately very quickly and verrrry slooooowly these days.

25. In Unrelated But Good News (Positive)

...my exams went well, as it turned out. As predicted I dropped from my ridiculous high of 4.0, but I don't mind. That's considerable pressure off, really. Anyway. I did well in all but one subject, and to be honest I'm happy with what I personally learned in that subject. I don't have to do it any more, and I shall go back to the textbook if I ever do need that information in the future. Further, I did pass it, with about 10% to spare, so it wasn't that bad really. As for my QCA? It's down to a more-than-pleasing 3.7. In the end I discovered all I really cared about was getting an A1 in Imperative Programming II to match my IP I grade. After that, the rest was a bonus. Programming is the heart of this course, and I want to be good at it.

I shall be trying to blog more from now on, as observant readers may have gathered from three posts in as many hours. We'll see how that goes.

24. But Then Again, Sometimes I'm Right (Negative)

I wish I was ready for this. I wish I could see, at the very least, the best few ways of doing something, if not the best one. But I can't. And that's because I am not yet a programmer. Oh, sure, I get the jokes, I live the lifestyle (such as it is) and I definitely am in love with the medium. And for what I've done, what I've learned, on-curriculum or otherwise, I'd go so far as to say that in my class, I'm among or a little under the best. But I just am not good enough for this.

I am developing a game. I am developing this game largely on my own. The decisions of implementation, they're all mine. Or as near as makes no difference. That is scary, scary stuff, because I don't know which ways are going to cause memory leaks, or in many cases whether some implementation is even possible (these cases inevitably require considerable work/time to test). What's as scary is the list of things to be implemented. I have the basic engine working adequately, but they have all these grand plans for it and I can't think about it like that or I'll go mad. I have to keep plodding along only looking just ahead.

The thing is, this isn't even my baby. If it was my idea, and I made it poorly, well, that'd be fine. But it's not. Don't get me wrong, the idea is great, and the art assets are fantastic, but I am just so afraid that I'll destroy this idea that the Open Emotion guys have had in their heads by making a bad game out of good IP. Not that that would be a new thing in the games industry, but I know these guys personally, and I want to do good things with their idea. I know it can work. I just don't know if I'm the guy to make it work. That really, really sucks. I want to be that guy, badly. So I'm going to try. But we'll just have to see.

23. I Worry Too Much (Positive)

I've been working at Open Emotion Studios for what seems like my entire life but has actually only been three weeks. I mean that in the best possible way, of course. I feel ridiculously at home there, so much so that I keep assuming I'll be dragged away at any moment. Indeed, the first few days I was convinced that either my life had become the Truman Show (I had always suspected) or that I was in fact at a summer camp for which I would receive a rather natty certificate at the end of the week. But no. In fact I was doing an actual job (my first ever proper job), a job for which under better circumstances I would have been paid. I still have to say it to myself occasionally: James, you are making games. I am pretty much literally living the dream at this point. It's not a terribly ambitious dream, but I don't care. It's like dreaming of owning a Porsche for years, and then finding out you can pick up a classic for the price of a tiny hatchback (true story). Indubitably the dream is being lived, but not in precisely the way you imagined, and at considerably less expense. It doesn't make it any less awesome.

That's all for this post, but I have a sister Negative one coming up tonight. For all you cynics out there. And the one in here.

22. One Small Step...Off A Cliff? (Negative)

My job starts tomorrow. As of 10:30am GMT, I shall be gaining valuable industry experience, and hopefully making new friends (or at least one, since I know almost all the people vaguely already).
I'm insecure about it, if I'm honest. And I have a regrettable tendency towards honesty.

I'm worried about one of several bad scenarios happening:
- I am bad at my job. Or, I am acceptable but my efforts are negated by someone with better solutions. In programming this is a real concern.

- The job is boring. This would be pretty crushing for my career prospects - you simply cannot be as good at/as committed to a job you don't find stimulating. I'm not *greatly* worried about this because I've always found programming fun before (yes, fun), but I'm afraid a big project will make it less so.

-The people pose a problem in some unforeseen way. Some people just don't work well with others, or with me. I know it's the reality of having a job but I hope it's not a dealbreaker with this one.

OK, that's all my stressing for tonight. Sleep time.

Whenever.

21. The Buffer Period (Positive)

Argh. A month without a post. Again. Blah.

A lot has happened in the last month. Let's have a quick rundown, shall we?

1) I finished my programming project at last, and it worked flawlessly.

2) I got 12/15 marks for that essay. This was the second-highest mark in the class and extremely unexpected.

3) I received word that I will be interning at Open Emotion Studios this summer! Which is absolutely brilliant and possibly the best news I've had all year.

4) I sat my exams. For the most part they didn't go badly, but I definitely do not see another 4.0 QCA in my future. However, I'm happy that they're over now.

5) I have so far spent almost a week at home, potentially my only length of time at home for a while, so I plan to make the most of my time before I leave on the 31st, or possibly VERY early on the 1st.
6) I have a proper website at last! http://skynet.ie/~program9

At the moment I'm trying to squeeze an entire summer's worth of late nights and long lie-ins into less than two weeks. So that's going well. :D

20. OK, Logic Can Be Annoying Too... (Negative)

This assignment is hard. Not to say that I won't be able to do it, but it's irritating me immensely that there is definitely a simple solution evading me. Serious work should get me through it though.

Exams coming up. Worried as usual.
There's more to worry about this year. I'm feeling the pressure I predicted when I got that 4.0 last semester. Whatever I do, likelihood is that I'll be below that, and there's no possibility I can improve on it. That's depressing. Everyone tells us things get more difficult every semester. But that doesn't quite convince me that doing worse is OK. Sure, I'll live with it. It'll just annoy me.
'specially because one of my friends may have been refused co-op on the basis of his grade falling over a year. And he's a clever guy. He probably dropped from 3.8 to 3.4 or something.

Urgh.

19. Logic Never Felt So Good (Positive)

I finished that essay (see 18) and got it submitted on time. I'm pretty happy with it, but it made me realise how much I really don't miss Leaving Certificate English. I mean, fair enough, I was good at it. I suppose I must have been to get an A1. But writing essays just...doesn't appeal to me. I like to write, but I dislike having a topic to dance around for 2000 words. It smacks of overcomplication. I prefer to write what I'm thinking, all of it, and stop. Sometimes there's a lot, too much, and some is irrelevant. Other times I simply cannot get what I consider the good material to reach the word count. It's extremely frustrating having to pad an essay when you're as much of a perfectionist as I am.

With that in mind, I am now enjoying my programming assignment in a BIG way. The mental challenge, the well-defined goals, the medium which allows no half-measures or padding...I love it.

Assassin happened over the week before last and last week up to Wednesday. It was stressful but now it's over and I'm pleased about that at least.

To top it off, I had an interview for a summer internship on Friday. Which is awesome. I don't hold any hopes for it but I really am pleased to have been considered. I'll know whether it was experience or life-changing quite soon, apparently.

It's going to be a good week - the final one of lectures. Woo.

18. I Don't Even Know Anymore (Negative)

It's been one of those weird days. Things seemed to be going well at first but started to wallow towards evening and ended in a conversation that really should not have happened with an old friend. I have this problem. I find it monstrously difficult to keep my mouth shut about something.
Secrets are OK, but if there's some nagging issue with a person, I keep wanting to mention it when I'm talking to them. And that happened tonight.
I'm not pleased. Not at all. In fact I am deeply angry at myself for being such a fool. It'd be fine, just a simple peccadillo, if I hadn't done it so many damn times before. An apology is not enough. I must feel bad about this for some time in penance. Perhaps I will write about it.
Perhaps not.
But I need to sort it out.
In my head and in the real world. The former is far more important.

That's all.

17. Today Is A Good Day (Positive)

Once again I leave my blog to fester in this little-known corner of the Internet. I weep for it.



However, with no fanbase to speak of, I can be as slow and procrastinating as I like. Heh. That's probably bad for me.

Anyway. University continues to move at a frightening pace. This irritates me, but it's nothing new. New things are:

-I'm doing more shirts. I have received my second commission and am working on two stencils for a friend. Something of a rush job, but I'm used to it and hoping to do it well. I have a week anyway. Or, actually, four days. But yay for doing things!

-I have my very first essay for university due two weeks from today. It must be within 10% either side of 1200 words, which is all the exactness I'd expect from the Computer Science faculty, in fairness to them. The problem is that I picked this course specifically to not do essays, and it has worked out fine 'til now, but I'm starting to see Arts students in a whole new light... Meh. It'll be grand. I can do essays; hell, I got an A1 in Leaving Cert English. I'm just lazy and unacquainted with the Harvard Referencing System we use here in UL. This is changing however. (Not the laziness, the other one.)

-I have an idea for a webcomic. Regrettably, I only ever get such ideas individually. As in, I get a brilliant plan for a single strip but know it'll go nowhere after that first punchline. Sigh. Ah well, perhaps I'll do it anyway.

-I have remembered again how easy blogging actually is.

-I have started conforming to one of Morse's pet peeves and deleting 'actually' from sentences that don't need it. Again. I keep leaving this and coming back to it.

-I feel the need to read Morse again.

-My dinner is ready.

16. Amnesia, Addiction, Etc. (Negative)

My mind continues to be exclusively prepared to remember things it wants to do, as opposed to things it knows it should.

As a result, I have yet again failed in my attempt to make a functional blog. But I carry on nonetheless...mainly because I told my mum I would (hi Mum) and you don't go back on that kind of casual remark.

Lately my cynicism levels have been remarkably high. I've been thinking about the human condition, or whatever you might call it, and I've realised that everyone has at least one vice. They might not all be obvious, but no-one is without their I-know-I-shouldn't-but habit. Mine is laziness. I don't do things when I should, and it's only under extreme duress that I study or practise something if I don't feel inclined to do so. I can resolve to improve all I like, but that's all that's possible - improvement. Perfection is a lie. It seems obvious and I had always accepted it before, but until you see it for yourself you don't believe it.

15. Returning (Positive)

It's been a long time since the last post, hasn't it.

Yeah, well, I was busy. And complaining won't get you anywhere because I'll remind you that had I posted in the interim, you would only have been reading more of my whining. So shut up.

Aaaaanyway. Few things to clear up.

1. We got an A1 for our website and our TA suggested we go into web design professionally! Which is epic.

2. We had tests, which went OK. Now I am officially finished one eigth of the modules in my course! I love this system.

3. I'm currently in the final two weeks of a REALLY LONG Christmas break. Man. It has been too long. Pretty soon I'll be doing a Ph.D thesis in my spare time or something. So I'm looking forward to university on the 25th.

4. I got a graphics tablet for Christmas and have been killing my self-esteem with it ever since. I enjoy drawing though. So it's worth the cringing.

5. I'm planning to start posting on the blog regularly-ish from now. In fairness I'm really only writing this bit because I'll read it at some later date, not to appease non-existent fans of this blog. So, future James, get blogging! In the future!

6. I've discovered I can blog in Courier. YAY!

14. Anticipation (Negative)

Interview is tomorrow. Slightly worried that I'll suddenly forget everything I know about HTML and CSS, but more sick of waiting than anything else.

I just want it to be over.

We got most of the pages to validate in the end, which was a pleasant surprise. Credit for that must go to Kelly, who spent ages slaving over the code without our knowledge, and then suddenly declared she had validated them.

Now we wait...

13. And now, the end is near... (Positive)

On Tuesday the four of us had a website meeting. For those of you who've just joined us, that's James W, Max, Kelly and I. Anyway, we discussed the site and it transpired that we were very pleased with it. We organised jobs for the final week and set an ideal time for our interview with the lecturer.

There were some more things to add though. I sorted out some CSS bugs that were irritating us, and added some new things to the CSS file. Then I drew a more accurate sitemap than the original one, and just minutes ago I added a very snazzy chat widget to the contacts page. It'll allow us to communicate about the site easily, with any luck.

Following that, it only remains to look at the site for a few days until we're so sick of it we'd rather fail, editing the tiniest things just to feel like we're still working on it.

But really, it's all done. So I'm very pleased.

12. If it isn't broken... (Negative)

This morning we had our final lecture in Computer Applications (for our new readers: that's the website-building module) and just for giggles the lecturer opened the group wiki to check how things were progressing.

It didn't go well.

Our group is still at the top of the list, and we're pretty happy with the site so far, but when he opened the page (in Internet Exploiter) there was nothing.

Completely blank page.

Embarrassing. Especially for me, 'cos there were only two people from my group there, and I've become the de facto project leader, *and* I was the last person I know of to be working on the damn thing.

Needless to say, I raced home (luckily it was a short lecture) and spent half an hour fixing the problem. The solution? Revert to a backup version of the page.

Sigh.

Project meeting tomorrow.

11. Getting it together (Positive)

Right. A week and a bit remains until our November 23 deadline for the website. Fun times, you might say. Or not. But they are kinda fun. We've been watching other people panic a bit about their websites and it's made us a little less worried and a little more pleased with the work we've done.

To be more specific, recently I mentioned that I'd been working on a feedback form for the site. That is uploaded now, and all that remains is to get it submitting feedback to somewhere. I'm pretty happy with it, basic as it is, because I got it to work. I really want to get the CGI working though, otherwise the whole thing is pointless. I have one or two ideas in that direction...

10. Web work update and procrastination (Negative)

I've been getting terribly slack with this blog lately, but at least I can tell myself 'I told you so'.

Anyway, web work. It's been going very well, it's just that I haven't been posting it. So my updates are:
- I've done my Continuum page. It needs a bit of work but it is up and I'm pleased with it.
- I spent a considerable amount of time fiddling with the page last week. I changed the original gradient background of the page to a more boring but cleaner and easier-to-read-on plain black.
- Today I'm working on forms for a planned feedback page. Dunno if the feedback will actually be getting back to us, but there will be a feedback form regardless.

Procrastination: I'm using it to forget about my Java project. This is not a good thing. I need to take a serious look at it. This is a reminder to myself.

9. Conventions, etc. (Positive)

I went to GaelCon in Dublin with GameSoc over the long weekend. Congratulations and thanks must go to UCD Games Society for their organisational skills.

It was amazing. I have never seen so many people so nerdy at once. Not that that's a bad thing. But it was a new experience, and strangely freeing. No-one there was remotely cool, but did they care? No. There was a grand camaraderie in the air. Everyone was only interested in having a fun weekend. The competition was fierce in the various gaming events (wargaming was very popular, as were collectible card games) but it was no less friendly for all that.

In particular, I enjoyed the tabletop role-playing game I played over the weekend. There is so much stigma attached to the dice-roll-y games, but it's all nonsense. They're fun even if it's your first time. No knowledge is presumed. The Game Master will tell you how to do everything, so there's no pressure. Acting out your character means it's far more involving than popular opinion would have you believe. And there's no need to dress up unless you really want to. That can confuse people. It's also a great way to meet new people or have fun with existing friends as I did. So I say this to you, my three or so readers who I probably meet every day: try a role-playing game when you get the chance. You may be pleasantly surprised.

In web-related news, I added an About page to the site. More specifically, I filled in some content to the empty About page. The website is really coming together now.

8. O2 (Negative)

Damn O2 and their annoying damn ways.

My dad's a staunch O2 customer. So we have one of those HSDPA modems ('cos we can't get any other internet) and I said maybe I should get one for around college instead of using unsecured wireless networks. He agreed, so today we went to the O2 Store to get one.

So I get in there, and the sales assistant says I need my student ID and my CAO letter.
I produce both.
She says, hang on, your address isn't on this letter.
I say, so?
She says, it needs to be addressed to you at home.
I say, fine.
So I root around for a few minutes and found an addressed bank letter.
Wait in line, because now someone is ahead of me, for twenty minutes.
Get to the counter again. Give her the stuff, all pleased 'cos I've found the letter.
Oh, wait, she says.
I ask what the problem is.
Our photocopier is broken, so you'll have to come back another day, she says.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

Anyway, it's annoying but I'm heading back to college, which means Limerick, so I still have a chance.

Get to the O2 Store there.
All goes well this time (photocopier working, yay!).
This sales assistant directs me to a seat and commences asking me questions which she fills into a lengthy form on her PC.
The usual stuff.
Name, address, birthday, etc.
So I'm pretty pleased that it's all worked out, and then she clicks 'Submit' on the form.
I see the error but can't read it.
Oh, she says.
She looks at the form.
Asks me my birthday again.
I tell her, again.
She says, oh.
Oh my God, she says. You're not eighteen yet?
I'm so sick of this. Every damn time.
No, I'm not, I say.
Well, you can't have the modem if you're not eighteen, she says.
I ask why not.
The answer has something to do with contracts. Seems you can borrow money with a guarantor at any age (that's also a contract), but buy a crappy USB modem? No, sir. Have to have eighteen years of wasted time behind you.
Sigh.
So then Dad says, can we put it on his account?
She says, sure. We'll need ID from you.
Of course he has no ID.
So that was that.
Have to wait all that extra time now, because they weren't clear enough about the terms of the contract.

Sigh.

Update: Turns out I couldn't get it even if he paid for it because I still wasn't 18. I finally got it because they had a meeting and realised it was a retarded way to do things. So I guess that's pretty good. But I still don't like them.

7. Tests (Positive)

I've been tested in all my five modules as of today. As far as I know, all the tests went well. Pretty certainly three of them went well, anyway, because I've had the results handed back and they're very good, if I do say so myself. Those tests were Computer Applications, (11/12), Computer Organisation (80%), and Computer Science (94%) . I'm not sure how much I'm looking forward to the other results, though. I'll have to wait and see.

Incidentally, I now have a full site map drawn for my website, and we have been delegating jobs, so I can finally stop avoiding work. Yay.